Self Sabatoge

Okay so I just wanna write this down because I am starting to become aware of my self sabatoging behavoir. If you don't know, self sabatoge is the conscious or subconscious behaviors that undermine a person's own long-term goals, success, and well-being. I have done this a lot and a lot of it comes from me feeling like I have to explain myself to everyone, my tendency to beat myself up, and my fears and anxiety. I also have this tendency to want control in a situaiton. It's part of the consequences of growing up in a house full of hostility and domestic abuse. Things nowadays are a lot better now but that doesn't mean I was able to unlearn this. I am now starting to catch it.

Right now, I am in the process of learning to just let go. Whether it's a situation, a grudge, or even a physical object [because I had to deal with my mother throwing stuff away and changing things around CONSTANTLY FOR YEARS]. Over explaining and continuation of stirring old greivences only ever brings dispair. All this anxiety, trauma, and fear really just fucked me over for years during my online presence but because of the therapy I took in 2025 as well as the self reflection, and shadow work, I am finally aware of this behavior.

The art of doing nothing but being your authentic self and enjoying your favorite things, really helped and has put me on a path of healing. Because at the end of the day, the energy you put out, you will get back. And I want to make sure I invest my energy where it matters.