Who is Mazy?

Marzy is a visual representation of the aspect of myself that was punished, silenced, and bullied for being playful, bubbly, and silly. When I first made Marzy I didn't like her. I didn't like the way she looked or how she felt but I had to draw her because this part of myself was shut in for so long. I could never find myself and because she was shut in for so long I tried being someone else for the longest time. I tried being someone I'm not. But of course, it failed every time because all of the former identities involved silencing her.

One of the biggest reasons I belive she was shut in for so long, was because I was a people pleaser. I was desperate for people to like me and when I failed. I punished myself. I talked down to myself. On top of that I was punished and bullied for being Marzy. By both family and schoolmates and even on social media for a while. I was tormented for being this way and because of that I didn't know how to stop or deal with the problematic behaviors that came with it. Envy, anger, pushing boundaries, and always trying to get what I want. This all manifested though my behaviors in the worst ways. Nobody ever taught me how. I had to learn all by myself. And all I wanted was to be loved. To be understood.

This is the first time I'm able to express myself through Marzy freely, without fear of being physically struck or being called names. It's very liberating but also very tragic and scary at the same time because I hated myself. I hated myself so much. For a very long time. and I didn't know why.

As of right now, I feel so frozen. As if I'm very hesitant to freely express these qualities but because of my trauma. I'm still afraid. Because although I know my friends and my fans wouldn't judge me, my family were the ones that punished my and silenced me for so long and although my family has mellowed down significantly, their tendency to silence me and ridicule me tends to slip out. And it's going to take me a long time to convince this part of myself that they don't mean any harm and that it's not her fault because she was never properly raised.

Loving this part of myself again is a huge challenge. All I ask of you all that reads this, is to be patient with me. Tell me your honest feelings intead of pretending that everything is okay. Just cutting contact with me or ignoring me is so damaging because all I will ever think is that it's my fault.

Overall, I'm just left feeling afraid to go through this and learning how to manage these qualities of myself and the harmful behaviors that come with it if left uncheck. So please, be patient with me because I'm so scared