Hey guys it's me Marzy. I wanted to come out an say this so that people can understand or try to understand what I go through and what I have been going through for years. Since childhood.
Obviously I was traumatized as a child. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally abused by family and by school mates who bullied me. I was also SA'd as a child. Now the reason I bring this up is that I am now starting to understand why I was the way I was for a good while. I noticed that most of the time I would just day dream and move so quickly through life ignoring every emotion and memory I had. After taking therapy and doing introspective work I realized that I MIGHT have DID or some form of dissociative disorder.
What makes thing think this? Well recently I've been working on grounding myself. Getting my mind and soul back to reality and that involved me actually paying attention to my senses and the world around me. Apparently I didn't have true mental clarity until I was 30. I'm 32 now. But anyway, as I was working on grounding myself back to reality I noticed what felt like seperate thoughts from my own. I would hear a voice in my head and I was quite unsettled. That's when I realized that I was traumatized so badly that a part of myself didn't want to be here anymore to escape all the abuse. For about 28 years, I was just....not here....and thinking about that breaks my heart. It also explains why I used to have multiple identities throughout my social media presence because I didn't know who I was or who I wanted to be. Sometimes pretending to be whatever cartoon character I was hyperfixated on. Until Cosmo and Danny came along who both felt different from my being for the very first time. But I won't get too much into that right now
Anyway, things have gotten better. The dissociative thoughts have diminished and only show up under moments of extreme stress. Overtime I realized there are certain parts of myself which I have personifed or projected. Chance and Marzy being two of those. I made a post about Chance and how he was my shadow in a seperate blog which you can read here. For Marzy, I will have to wait and get to that later.For the most part, I have been able to manage these symptoms and luckily because life at home has gotten significantly better, I'm able to do this at my own pace. Sometimes I just have to reason with these voices and usually I'm able to do it. If not, well I have other means of soothing them with help from others. Overall, I've actually been feeling quite content lately getting to know myself better and instead of silencing those voices or certain aspects of myself I try to understand them and work with them. So tbh I couldn't be any happier. But boy it certainly explains a lot
Anyway, That's it for now guys. If you have questions you can hit me up on my Strawpage
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